Thursday, May 25, 2017

On Aging.

As I sit this evening listening to the cars drive past in the rain, I'm still wrestling with the conflict of emotions I've been confronted with today. My heart and my mind can't quite agree on what I should feel.

You see, this morning my baby sister texted me to let me know my father was in the hospital. Apparently he fell, backwards, down the stairs last night breaking his collarbone and a few ribs. My father and I haven't spoken in probably ten years. In fact, we've had a strained relationship since my parents divorced when I was 13.

I'm the oldest of three girls. I was a little rebellious as a young teen, married at 18, started a family at 20. For most of my life my father has chosen to NOT have a relationship with me. He holds grudges and is quick to place blame and hate. I turned 50 last year and if there's one thing I've learned in those 50 years it's that life is too damn short for all of that hate! I've lost classmates, friends, young nephews and nieces, my father-in-law, all of my grandparents, and friends of my children.

I don't consider him a bad person, he just has demons that I don't understand. In fact, he seemed to be a really good dad to my step sister and I think that's amazing!

But tonight I struggle with all of the feelings. I've been crying or close to tears most of the day. I also feel that loneliness of never really having a "dad". I want to reach out and let him know that I'm here if he needs anything but I'm frightened by the thought that he'll just reject me. It would be easier if I just didn't care at all...

But he's still my father. He's 73 and I don't even know how his health is other than the fact he has back problems. Nobody gets out of this life alive, right? Who chooses to isolate themselves from family at this stage of their life? Even at my age I'm frightened of the thought of being alone. Of fading from peoples' lives and memories. Of having nobody.

I try my damnedest to keep in touch with people. I reach out with a text or a message here and there. I like to think that it makes at least a little difference. I love you...all of you...the friends I see regularly...the ones I only know through social media...the few of you who have touched my heart so briefly and then gone on with life elsewhere. You know who you are.

And yes, I love my father. Speedy healing.