Thursday, May 25, 2017

On Aging.

As I sit this evening listening to the cars drive past in the rain, I'm still wrestling with the conflict of emotions I've been confronted with today. My heart and my mind can't quite agree on what I should feel.

You see, this morning my baby sister texted me to let me know my father was in the hospital. Apparently he fell, backwards, down the stairs last night breaking his collarbone and a few ribs. My father and I haven't spoken in probably ten years. In fact, we've had a strained relationship since my parents divorced when I was 13.

I'm the oldest of three girls. I was a little rebellious as a young teen, married at 18, started a family at 20. For most of my life my father has chosen to NOT have a relationship with me. He holds grudges and is quick to place blame and hate. I turned 50 last year and if there's one thing I've learned in those 50 years it's that life is too damn short for all of that hate! I've lost classmates, friends, young nephews and nieces, my father-in-law, all of my grandparents, and friends of my children.

I don't consider him a bad person, he just has demons that I don't understand. In fact, he seemed to be a really good dad to my step sister and I think that's amazing!

But tonight I struggle with all of the feelings. I've been crying or close to tears most of the day. I also feel that loneliness of never really having a "dad". I want to reach out and let him know that I'm here if he needs anything but I'm frightened by the thought that he'll just reject me. It would be easier if I just didn't care at all...

But he's still my father. He's 73 and I don't even know how his health is other than the fact he has back problems. Nobody gets out of this life alive, right? Who chooses to isolate themselves from family at this stage of their life? Even at my age I'm frightened of the thought of being alone. Of fading from peoples' lives and memories. Of having nobody.

I try my damnedest to keep in touch with people. I reach out with a text or a message here and there. I like to think that it makes at least a little difference. I love you...all of you...the friends I see regularly...the ones I only know through social media...the few of you who have touched my heart so briefly and then gone on with life elsewhere. You know who you are.

And yes, I love my father. Speedy healing.

Sunday, September 18, 2016

As summer comes to an end I'm reminded of what an amazing year of adventure and growth I've had.

I've learned a lot about to open my heart...that love is to be shared. My heart loves freely! I fall in love with people, places, things every day. I've learned that real love and happiness is about giving, not receiving. When you open your heart and give, all your love is reflected back to you.

I have a fantastic group of friends and i am humbled by their generosity.

At the end of May i flew out west for a holiday full of firsts. I flew alone. We spent 24 hours on the Colorado River, boating, hiking, camping, and soaking in the hot springs. NV->AZ->CA. We went off-roading in the desert. The vastness of beauty on this Earth repeatedly brings me to tears. A week in Burbank/LA followed. I Ubered alone, hiked Griffith Park alone from the old carousel all the way up to the Observatory! We drove up the Pacific Coast Highway and took sunset pictures on the beach. We drive past Beverly Hills, Hollywood, Mulholland Dr.

Now I know why people love California! I could've stayed so much longer. August 1 I drove to Detroit to visit this same friend (he was there for work). We spent an entire day kayaking, picnicing, enjoying nature in the midst of the city. We slept in a 5 start hotel! The next evening i met up with girlfriends and enjoyed Gwen Stefani live.

Generosity. Yep.

I want to go all the places and see all the beauty. 

Be an example of what love really is.

Oh! I crocheted this amazing spare tire cover :)

As I type this blog entry, I'm getting ready for my very first trip over seas. Again, through the generosity of a close friend. In less than one week I'll be visiting Denmark, Sweden, and Norway.
I'll be sure to take lots of pictures!

Be kind to each other. 💚

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Life is beautiful

August 25, 2016

I'm gonna warn you now, lots of pictures!

This month has been full. I went to Detroit, spent a day kayaking with Jimmy. The hotel was way too fancy!
The following day i had friends join me forthe Gwen Stefani show. My seats were center stage, about 10 rows behind the pit.

Jimmy was in charge of the video for this tour, not the lighting.

This week I'm on vacation in Topsail Island, NC. It's a happy place for me. So peaceful and beautiful. 

There's something about being outdoors, connecting with nature and it's simple beauty...
It brings emotions to the surface unexpectedly for me. Really big highs and really big lows. I don't know if other people experience this.
Regardless, it makes me happy to be alive and with friends and family.

Time to swim! 

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Summer time, and the living is easy

Good afternoon friends!
I think it's time to fill you in on what I've been up to this summer...but let me start with last winter.
We didn't have a very long winter here in NE Ohio, but i spent it working at the local ski resort. In case you haven't actually met me, I'm really good at customer service. I met so many wonderful people! I can't wait to return this winter season.

Not having a permanent, full time job is challenging...bittersweet. I get to enjoy my family and friends all that i want. I have been doing some household jobs on the side. Lots of time to work on my crocheting! And I've done a little traveling. 😊

It's odd that i haven't done any canning this year. My pantry is still overflowing from last year.

In April i drove to Columbus for 2 days and was treated to see Bruce Springsteen on The River Tour!
What an amazing 3 hours 45 minute show!

I've seen some great shows this year. Pucifer, Silversun Pickups, the Thermals. Yesterday i attended Warped Tour. Next up is Gwen Stefani!

Music is life.
Ok. Time to get back to crocheting. I promise to update more often.
I love all of you 💚

Saturday, June 25, 2016

Hello dear friends!

Well, someone reminded me yesterday that it's been over a year since i updated my blog. I'm not going to apologize. It's been a crazy year! I've grown in ways i didn't know i could and life is beautiful ❤

I'll be back very soon with all kinds of updates...but for now I'm off to volunteer and pour beer for the great people of Akron.

Monday, June 1, 2015

Always an optimist

Good early Monday morning friends!
So let's talk a minute about life changes. Big ones. We've all been through them...marriage, kids, job loss, divorce, death. These changes are inevitable throughout the years and you either learn to deal with them or you crumble under the pressure. I'm a Libra. I weigh the good with the bad and try to see both sides of any situation. Honestly though, I almost always end up seeing the good/positive side of any situation.
This year has brought some changes for me and I know more are soon to come. I started a stricter fitness routine and meal plan. I didn't see this as "I HAVE to exercise more and I CAN'T eat this anymore". I saw it as I can't wait to see how good I feel and look! I'm gonna be sooooo healthy! This weekend I was fired from my job of 5 years. I didn't cry. I actually laughed. It had become a toxic environment of late and although I'll miss my amazing co-workers/friends there (and the discount on getting my hair colored) I won't miss the petty immaturity of the management. New doors are already opening for me! And if I have to be unemployed, summer is definitely the right time for that! Another big change for me is a new granddaughter soon! I'm more excited than I should be. This is the beautiful granny square blanket I made for our new little Reagan Lynn.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

It's Almost Pi Day!

I really am a math geek deep down. And I'm not gonna apologize for it. This year March 14th is extra special as it's 3-14-15!!! Seriously pie though. I made this pie...